Lost

No. . .not as in the TV show but as in literally LOST.  Wandering around with no direction, no plan, no idea how to get from where I am to where I really want to be.  I am LOST.  I find myself coming back to the same spot over and over.  I find myself thinking "I've already been here before."  I find myself making progress and then taking the wrong turn that puts me right back into the same place I was before.  I'm trying to figure out how to get out of this web.  The problem with webs is that they are sticky and they are meant to trap you and keep you in place.  The more you fight the tighter you become ensnared.

I've never really been very big about New Year's resolutions.  What's the point of making them?  By the end of January, every single one of them has already been broken and has already fallen to the side.  They become a huge reminder of my inability to stick by my commitments and my inability to follow through and see something through to the finish.  I quit.  I'm a quitter.  I can easily admit that but how do I correct the situation and turn quitting into finishing.  This is the big question for myself.

I look at 2013 with much anticipation.  The problem is that what I anticipate is sorrow and sadness and heart-brokeness (I made this word up).  I see a year of great loss for myself.  I anticipate that two of my most loved people in the world will leave me this year.  Death. . .I anticipate you on my families doorstep twice this year.  This is such an ugly thought and I hate to have these thoughts but. . .it is the truth.  My Grandfather and my Dad are both in that place, not really living, but not really dead.  I think, "What little faith I have." but what kind of life do they have?  Pa, stays in the nursing home, most days not aware.  He has glimmers of recognition but his life now is more about quantity than quality.  Dad's cancer is not progressing at this time.  I'm very grateful for that but at the same time his memory has significantly faded.  He cannot recall people's names or even remember how to do somethings that he did on almost a daily basis before.  His steps are small and shuffling.  He spends most of his days asleep.  He is quite the shadow of the man he used to be.  My heart breaks at the thought of losing both of these men but at the same time, I hate to see them where they are right now.

I'm looking for a map.  I'm looking for a guide to get me through 2013.  I'm looking for answers.  As I sit here and type this, the answers that come all lead me to the same thoughts and conclusions.  I will continue to turn to the Lord for strength.  I will continue to turn to the Bible for the map and the directions to where I should go.  I will continue to fall to my knees in Prayer and ask God to show me the way and to have the strength to take the steps to move forward.